Talk:Yui Komori/@comment-162.198.147.91-20150812230542
this has been bothering me so much that i need to tell someone as a child i suffered 2 very painful accidents that left me in stitches the first one mom was swinging some keys around on a chain she told me to stay back but my mind told me to slowly keep walking forward and i listen to my mind and i got my head split open by the swinging key and had to get stitches and be rushed to the hospital because of it the second one my uncle was practicing doing some extreme karate kicks in his room he warned me to stay back but my thoughts said find out why and i ended up listening to my curiosity and becoming kicked by him down between my legs so hard that something tore and i had to get stitches and be rushed to the hospital and that accident is one reason why i have always been afraid of being with boys because many of them act nice towards me and become mean, sexually aggressive/ abusive and even though my mind is overly obsessed with experiencing brutal scenes and sadistic scenes i physically i hate it all and would never actually want to experience any of that but as time moved on i kept noticing many strange thoughts and feelings about myself like waking up from terrifying nightmares every night of being chased, threatened and brutally abused feeling both horrified and stimulation inside my body by what happened in the dreams and i also noticed my lack of ability to feel sympathy and empathy when watching sadistic movies and reading fictional brutality and i also discovered that my body became stimulated by thoughts of extreme danger and violence all the time and i could also enjoy watching, reading about people in painful experiences imagining myself in their place and feel happy about it i knew the feelings and thoughts that i were having were strange and being inside of my own mind always terrified me because i was always felt like i had to fight for my life inside of my own imagination many days i cried alone in my closet afraid of myself thinking that god would abandon me because i was evil or he would send me to hell and i did not want anyone to know these horrible things about me ever and i always hated those feelings and tried hard to ignore them because in actual life i am truly terrified of those things and fear them and i also hate every painful thing i suffered from in my past so i never could understand why i always became stimulated/pleasured by thoughts, dreams, imaginations and fan fictions of things that always terrified me in my actual life i think my mental obsession with sadistic experiences and brutal experiences may have started in my childhood because i grew up watching horror movies all the time i also remember feeling stimulated in my body by fear while being scared as a child and after many arguments i always ended up losing the battle with my mind and became infatuated by horrible thoughts and ideas that got me beaten all the time the urges and thoughts became so impossible to resist that i felt hijacked by my mind in to stealing things out of malls, peoples houses and places that my sisters and i went to visit i always hated doing it but my mind and my body got a rush by it and started releasing intense pleasurable stimulating feelings that made me want to continue to do bad things to experience those feelings even though i was in horror of going to jail i also noticed that i suffer from weird anger problems as it does not take anything major at all to anger/ upset me only compliment my sisters shoes before mine, hair, clothes or share something with them before me and i could feel a swirling vortex of anger the size of a tsunami flowing inside of my body which makes me feel like goku in super saiyan mode from dragon ball z i was raised on christian teachings as a child so i automatically knew that hurting people is wrong and i had to turn the other cheek when someone angers/hurts me and do nothing about it i only obeyed those teachings to please my mother because always i desire to harm people but i stop myself from doing so to avoid situations because the last time i gave in to my anger i end up stabbing my best friend in the hand with a sharp pencil after he pulled away my chair he told me it was only a joke to make me laugh but my mind took it as a threat to embarrass me and before it could stop myself i had jammed the pencil in to his hand and the led from that pencil hit his blood stream and put him in a wheel chair but i was the cause of it so the teacher made me wheel him to his classes everyday the another time i gave in to my anger before i knew it i pushed a girl back in the lunch line for trying to cut in front of me in line but anger took over and i end up pushing her back so hard she fell backwards in to a table and sprang her ankle and after i noticed no sympathy feelings at all i became very afraid of myself and decided to stop myself from hurting people no matter what while sitting with people at the lunch table i noticed that a guy in front of me kept talking with food inside his mouth and coughing on me while i was trying to eat my food and each time i felt his spit land on my face, nose, mouth, chin and cheeks i felt my body start shaking like my neck, fingers, hands, toes and feet but they always shake when i feel anger mom said peoples bodies shake when they are nervous but all i could feel was a spinning vortex of anger building up inside so i took the shaking as warning that something inside me was about to be unleashed on him so i quickly left that table to go sit by myself and after that experience of knowing what could have happened i started avoiding everyone to halt uncontrollable feelings of hurting people all the time and understood those feelings could rise up in me anytime so i ate lunch at school alone to avoid hurting people but there were many times i wanted share with someone about the things i felt inside i always forced myself to be good and obedient to adults wherever i went because i wanted my mother to be proud of me for being a good christan girl i realize that i cannot hurt people when i am feeling consumed by my anger vortex so after finding self harm and reading comments about it being helpful to people with those problems i started using pain to feel relief from my torment nothing was really helping me i even started cutting myself in the bathrooms at church and apologizing to god for doing it because i felt so angry all the time and since childhood i discovered that i was different and unable to feel stimulation unless i was being mentally terrified and i seriously think its because of the painful accidents i suffered from as a child because i dislike experiencing these things in my physical life and its very disturbing to describe this someone so i decided to keep it a secret and watch videos online that gave me the most stimulation and discovered those were only sadism and brutality i never told anyone about anything and i was never actually proud of feeling stimulated by sadism and brutal abuse at all i was always horrified by it and frightened of myself for knowing that i could only feel stimulation by watching those things i figured out that feeling anger and depression triggers my masochistic mind, thoughts, feelings, imaginations and also my sadistic ones when i continuously felt simulation by reading the terrifying fiction i wrote i became scared by it because i though it meant i feel simulations because something is actually wrong with me so i decided to recall back every horrible scene that i could remember and i wrote them all happening to myself in fiction to challenge my mind to not feel stimulation but it only increased with the more terrifying things i wrote so continued doing more test on myself with fiction until i would write something so heart stoppingly terrifying i would not feel any stimulations i never told anyone about these things because i was the quiet girl in class no one would believe these torments about me i only wrote down my experiences down inside a diary i shared between my sisters when i lived in georgia and now a boy that i like know terrifying truths bout me because he got our diary and i feel aching guilt about it everyday about it i wrote so many terrifying thing about myself in that diary but its sounds like i am boasting about being a evil person but i never wanted it to sound like that at all and i hate myself so much for being this way back then i never planned to tell anyone and keep everything about me a secret but since they know i have been feeling sick with guilt of what i wrote and need to get help because i feel worst that scum every day